Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
