I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
