wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
