Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
How naked do you want me to be?
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