You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
