The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
