Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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