I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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