I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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