i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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