We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
