If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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