Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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