I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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