I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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