I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will pee on everything he values.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
