i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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