We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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