She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think i have two assholes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
