I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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