god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
