you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
