Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
