goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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