Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
