He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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