When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
