I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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