i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
