she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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