you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
time to smoke my breakfast
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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