Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
BRING THE BAGELS
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
