can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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