Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
