How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
