remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need a burrito and a hug.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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