Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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