I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
