singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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