So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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