The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
