Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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