I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Everclear isn't food dammit
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
