I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
