My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
