She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
