I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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