this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
