I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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