see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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