a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
