i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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