I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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